When my friend Sarah called a few weeks ago and asked if I want to go for lunch with her, I was a little dubious, and I was right it was a bloody disaster.
When my friend Sarah called a few weeks ago and asked if I want to go for lunch with her, I was a little dubious.
Sarah is my ultra glamorous childless friend, her idea of meeting for lunch is looking around clothes shops which due to us both being over the age of twenty five means we are long out of their target market -you know the kind the ones I mean, the type that play R&B music really loudly and have kendell Jenner look alike ‘style advisors’ Sarah loves those shops.
I don’t like them because I know from experience one of two things will happen if I haven’t had a meltdown in the changing rooms about the ‘ridiculously small sizing’ that ‘can’t be fucking right’ and had to be comforted by the shop assistant ( sorry style advisor ) who really does look like Kendall Jenner or I’m lucky enough to find something that fits ( hardly ever ) I sure as hell will hit meltdown stage when I get to the till and they announce how much I need to part with. I then spend the rest of the day alternating between buzzing over the fact I found something in said shop that actually fitted and googling remortgage options. Okay slight exaggeration but they are expensive and the sizings are savage.
Then continuing the over priced item theme, the last time we had lunch Sarah chose a bistro that charges you £8 for a ‘Open ham salad sandwich’ – which is essentially one slice of seeded bread , a few leaves, and some random green dodgy dip ( possibly pesto dressing) a few slices of (admittedly good quality) ham and about five crisps. Not impressed, personally if I am paying nearly ten quid for a sandwich I want at the very least butter and two slices of bread and the saying less is more does not apply to crisps – load them up – anyway back to the phone call.
I explained I would have to bring my four youngest with me. ‘No that’s absolutely fine’ she said ‘we can just got to Pizza Express, loads of kids eat there’ I still wasn’t that convinced but oh well what’s the worse that can happen?
The pre leaving the house regime went fairly well apart from losing a ten minute debate with Reeva over her not wanting to wear a knicker nappy. I was informed that she is ‘a big girl now and doesn’t need one’ I’m unsure. She’s not budging. And she’s so sure she has this under control – it’s kind of infectious, she also now has Mallie as back up who is also saying ‘Reeva is fine in knickers’ … ummm I find myself saying ‘okay then but you must tell mummy if you need the toilet’ what a knob I am.
I arrived in good time. Buggy up ( love Phil and teds ) Reeva is refusing to stand on the buggy board. Fuck sake here we go.
She throws herself on the floor and I give up, ‘right fine just hold the buggy then’ Cue an argument between her and Mallie over who is standing which side. I resort to bribing them with a packet of polos from the bottom of my bag, which haven’t seen the light of day for at least a year. Desperate measures, and I haven’t even left the bloody car park yet.
I ask Reeva about ten times to ‘try for a toilet’ she says no. I make her try in Greggs anyway ( yes I’m one of those annoying people who use gregs as a public toilet ) although on this occasion I did buy twelve jam doughnuts for everyone to have at home later.
Along comes Sarah ( late as usual ) looking polished and perfect which is a look that only woman who does not have to endure two hours of pre leaving the house dramas with little people can achieve.
It once took me three hours to get my little ones ready and myself showered to go to co op to buy MILK. I kid you not theee fucking hours. Leaving the house is no joke with kids. Whether you are going out for a packet of cornflakes or a day at the zoo the stress of getting ready is the same. Kids need so much crap, and they also have a sixth sense to when you really need to leave the house fairly sharpish and be particularly un co operative.
Anyway so Sarah is now with us and we have a look around the shops ( straight to the Kendall Jenner shops as always ) all is going well, The little ones have a little dance to Kayne West and demolish the shoe department, while Sarah debates if she needs more white shorts for her upcoming holiday to Dubai ( I want the icon for a rolling eyes here, yes I am jealous ) – then we get to Boots, Sarah wants a fake tan mitt and I want a new eyeliner after someone ( Sienna ) used my old one to write on the mirror. Again.
Mallie spots a back loafer ( is that the right word ? ) anyway she wants it. Now the days of me buying random shit just to pacify children ( and god I have purchased some random crap over the years) have long gone.
Maybe if she was the second child she may have been in luck but no longer does this mum buy random crap to avoid floor head butting and public tantrums ( especially when it’s £14 – who pays £14 for a loafer on a stick? admittedly it’s a nice stick but, it is still a stick. ) so she gets a firm but kind ‘no’ and I ask her to put it back, she takes it well.
I’m shocked. I expected her to threaten to bite herself or sit down and refuse to move like she did in Tesco last month when I wouldn’t by her a cake decorating kit because ‘she liked the cartoon on the front’. Phew.
Rennie however then decides he also wants he wants a loafer on a stick and starts trying to buckaroo out of his buggy. Time to leave.
I ask Reeva again if she needs the toliet. No, she assures me she 100 percent doesn’t need to go. Right cool. All is good.
We head to pizza express. It’s now about 1pm and I’m hoping they will be hungry and just eat and not spend the whole time moaning and messing about. We get a table it’s busy but we are in the far corner. I put Reeva and Mallie either side of me by the wall, so they can’t run off.
Rennie is in a high chair, Victor has had a bottle and he’s asleep. Going well, what was I worried about I think, this is fine – I make a mental note to do this more often.
Food arrives, pizza and dough balls Reeva moans about the lack of fries – but they all start eating… Rennie starts whinging a bit but, he’s now playing with my car keys. Yes I know car keys have germs on but I want to eat and I’ve Dettol wiped the key fob and the metal is in the casing so its 100 percent fine.
Then it happens. Mallie is first to mention it . ‘Mum what’s that smell?’ Oh god no. I know straight away and get an instant cold sweat.
Shit. Literally. Reeva then confirms. ‘That’s me Mal I’m pooing and I can’t stop it’ my friends face is just one of sheer horror. I laugh because all in all honesty its so dire its a laugh or cry moment.
The running commentary doesn’t stop there I try to zone out for a few seconds to think what I am going to do. Some much for not needing pull ups.
A few people look around. oh god, I really need to get Mallie and Reeva to stop talking about shit in the middle of Pizza Express. I say ‘Mallie thats enough please be quiet people are trying to eat’ with a look that says shut up now.
Mallie takes no notice and carries on asking Reeva various graphic shit related questions while I’m asking Reeva if she can walk to the toilet the answer is and I quote ‘ No mum I can’t as it will go on the floor its on my legs already ‘ Fucking fabulous.
Sarah is still just frozen to the spot completely and utterly horrified. I say to Sarah ‘ you’re going to have watch these three while I take Reeva in the toilet’ after rummaging in the buggy I realise I was so caught up in the ‘ I don’t need a pull up’ speech that I have only packed boys nappies and clothes for the boys.
Luckily Reeva who we call PORG is tiny and wears the same size clothes as Rennie so they will have to do.
I decide its now or never so scoop her up in a sort of fireman carry while holding her at arms length – armed with baby wipes, Dettol wipes (obsessed with them ) and Rennies clean clothes and walk as stealth like as possible ( not at all possible ) I get a few sympathy glances and nods and finally reach the disabled loo.
Right we are in the toilet, I can still here Mallie bellowing ‘my sister porg has done a massive poo and she’s got no knicker nappy on, her names Reeva and she likes Topsy and Tim’ followed by Sarah saying ( pleading) ‘ Mallie darling ,please can you sit down for auntie Sarah?, the waitress doesn’t want to know about Reevas toilet problems and people are eating their lunch theres a good girl stop talking about it’ Mallie takes no notice and carries on. Oh for god sake.
I’m still debating what to do with Reeva, I decide I’m going to have to strip her off and just put the clothes in a nappy bag and clean her with baby wipes. I have to say at this point Reeva really didn’t care at all, in fact I think she is actually I kid you not enjoying it.
I stripped her off, clothes in nappy sacks the smell was awful. I then used a whole packet of baby wipes to clean her then used dettol wipes to wipe her and my hands. Worst part over. I then tell her she needs to put a boys pull up on she agrees.
Then she spots the clothes. a blue pair of shorts and a dinosaur top. she says ‘ they aren’t my clothes, they’re brothers. I won’t wear those’ here we fucking go.
I try to explain that thats all we have and can she please just pop them on and we will go straight to the car, then go home, have a bath and put her own fresh clothes on. I get a very stern ‘NO’
I have to pull out the big guns. ‘ Reeva if you wear your brothers clothes when we get home I will give you some of my Lindt chocolates. She still refuses. ‘Okay all the Lindt chocolates and a can of coke’ that gets her attention ‘ what the red one? the tooth rot one?’ her look is more of a proposition she’s knows that I know thats the deal breaker, and as I’m currently in a toilet surrounded by bags of shit and the only way out is her getting the bloody dinosaur top on I give in ‘Yes ok the red one’ she laughs and says ‘okay then I love dinosaurs I was going to wear it anyway’
Of course you were.
The dinosaur T shirt is on she’s had a few sprays of my perfume – Estee Lauder Knowing ( same perfume since I was sixteen – complete creature of habit ) because in honesty she still smells like she’s just shit herself.
Reeva walked out and declared that she was ‘ all clean now’ and ‘my mum has my clothes in bags and I’m wearing boy clothes because mum is going to give me coke and chocolate’ she gets an applause and cheer from a group of men in suits and a waitress – ( obviously all parents )
We get back to the table, Sarah looks shell shocked, not sure if its due to me making her check if there was poo on Reevas T shirt , or being left in charge of Mallie the fog horn, either way time to go.
To be fair to Pizza Express the staff were lovely, and packed up all our food in little boxes and containers, probably hoping we would leave before someone else ‘had a bad accident’ as Mallie kept saying.
So two hours after leaving the house I was back home with some cold pizza, and a two year old wearing a green dinosaur top, while smelling faintly of shit and perfume, Oh, and not forgetting the three bags of shit covered clothes that are now in the bin, and a friend who now wants to be sterilised aged 32.
The highlight of my day however has to be when Macie came home from school and Mallie offered her some Pizza. After Macie had a few bites Reeva fresh from the shower announced ‘ that was my pizza Mace but, I pooed myself in the shop and it went everywhere, so they put the pizza in the box, so if the pizza smells, thats just my poo that was near it and guess what?, mum gave me coke for wearing clothes as well I had the best day EVER’. Macies face was a picture.
Just an average day out really
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